What a difference a year makes...

As Nickie and I were wandering hand in hand through the hustle and bustle of the Manchester Christmas markets, I was suddenly visited by a ghost of girlfriend past... It was almost exactly a year ago, after a too spicy Indian meal at East z East on Blackfriars, that my recent ex-girlfriend decided that I was worth keeping around on the understanding that we wouldn't call each other girlfriend or partner, we wouldn't have sex, in fact, we wouldn't even hold hands until she was ready. We'd just had a screaming argument outside the bank on King Street and I'd stormed off in tears. Looking back, I can't quite believe I fell for it. She was just out of a six year relationship and was merely looking for an anchor. Within two weeks it was over again, for good this time, because I just couldn't keep up the pretence of friendship, particularly as she kept kissing me. I wept like Bella after Edward left. I'd given her a beautiful and expensive hand made notebook for Christmas. She gave me the flu, and I was laid up in bed until New Year. As we rang in 2011, I felt beyond hopeless. Driving my friend home after the party, I had to pass my ex-girlfriend's street and once I'd dropped my friend off, I cried all the way back to Bolton. I couldn't picture myself happy or in love. Within three months, I'd met Nickie and eight months on, I'm readying myself for my first ever Christmas with a girlfriend! My life has never been so full of joy and I never thought I'd get to this place. Every morning, I get to wake up in the bed I share with the most beautiful girl in the world. I walk through the flat we live in together, safe in the knowledge that she will return to our home. It is the best part of my day, knowing that she still loves me. So, despite everything, the bad back, the depression, the finances... 2011 has most definitely been better than 2010. I'd say it was the most wonderful year of my life, but you know what they say... The best is yet to come!

The word on the Street

I've seen the doctor today, the good one who tells it how it is... It is going to be January before I actually start my physio because of the waiting list :-( but at least I know. He's given me some exercises to do at home which I will start tomorrow (because I need to clean today) so hopefully I will be back at work by the end of this month fingers crossed. Even if I have to start on reduced hours, it's better than sitting here at home doing nothing! My back's still killing me and I'm exhausted all the time, add to that the depression, and I really really do need to get back to work!


Watch this space, and I'll let you know how I'm doing as and when!

Eternal Darkness of the Depressed Mind...

I'm not feeling especially dark today. I'm having a long awaited visitor tonight and I'm ploughing through the cleaning quite well. In addition, I'm making my favourite Jewish Penicillin (Chicken Soup), and there's enough Pumpkin Pie to go around from last night!


I just wanted to give you an insight into my brain. If you make a suggestion to me, my brain goes into overdrive and although you might not notice, there's a millisecond of fear on my face as I immediately think of the worst possible outcome. Here are just a few of my insane and unpleasant imaginings. Please be aware that these are products of my dark mind, and I'm ok right now - you don't need to worry about me right now. Although these are thoughts I've had, and they are especially dark, remember it's also quite funny that these are the thoughts my mind immediately jumps to...


1) When walking home from the shops with an especially heavy load and no pull along trolley...
Me - "Hmm, maybe I'll ask that kind gentleman if he'll carry my shopping home..."
Brain - "If you ask him, and he says yes, he might then force himself into the flat and attack you, possibly rape you and then the police won't be able to prosecute because you invited him in..."


2) Upon witnessing drug dealing while walking to the shops...
Me - "I ought to call the police immediately to give them the best chance of catching these sleaze bags..."
Brain - "If you call the police and they get caught, they will have seen you on the phone, know it's you who shopped them, and make you the victim of a campaign of misery, concluding with your death..."

3) When my parents' phone goes to voicemail...

Me - "Hmmm, they must be busy, I'll call later..."

Brain - "What if there's been an accident, they could be injured, Dad could have had a heart attack, a family member could have died... Call back, as many times as you can until they pick up, phone Mum at work, phone your brother... Don't be so selfish..."

4) When a payment is returned by the bank...

Me - "I'll phone my creditor and I'm sure they will understand..."

Brain - "If this payment has failed, the next one definitely will, and I'll be bankrupt by Christmas"

(This one actually occurred last week when I went to visit the CAB and they actually said "I'll start with the worst possible scenario and work backwards..." - I had moments earlier told him that I'd just had a diagnosis of depression...)

5) Whilst watching fireworks...

Nickie - "Oh look, a Chinese Lantern floating over us..."

Brain - "The candle inside could fall out and scalding wax could drip onto my face..."

(Unfortuately, I said this one aloud!)

I'm going to continue adding to this in the hope that eventually my brain will realise it's being ridiculous!

Stationary Porn

I don't know what happened to me as a kid, but now, at the age of 27 stationary fills me with the sort of eager excitement of a virgin at her High School Prom! It's almost an addiction! Sharpies, Steadler Pencils, Note Pads... 


My writing is now almost exclusively done on my laptop, so my Stationary Porn has migrated... upped its game... now I'm into the hard stuff - Craft equipment! Coloured card, Glue Dots... they all get me a little bit hot under the cover! Unfortunately due to my current confinement, the financial situation is pretty bad, and so I'm reduced to pound shop fake Sharpies and cheap Silver and Gold pens! 


I can remember the taste of the pencils as I chewed them, deep in thought over a math question or creative writing story. I can remember the satisfaction of sharpening a pencil or even better, a coloured pencil, using the mechanical sharpener on Miss Burton's desk. She was my favourite teacher and I loved her. I was seven and she was always so encouraging, even when my puppet "Dolly Daydreamer"came out looking more like Fungus the Bogeyman... I do believe it was right there in her Top Infants class (now known as Year 2), that my addiction began!


I'm thoroughly enjoying getting lost in stationary though, even the cheap stuff! The cards are coming thick and fast, and I'm well on the way to a well planned and stress free Christmas!

Awakening

I have slept for two nights in a row. I seem to be getting used to the dry mouth and I'm finding myself more able to smile. I'm eating regularly (unfortunately putting on a bit of weight - diet after Christmas!) and yesterday I picked myself up, shook myself off and dressed myself in drag... I'm very very slowly coming back to me. Maybe by Christmas I'll be my old jolly self. I'm in a bit of pain today, I'm trying to reduce my Tramadol as a) it's hugely addictive and b) I've got to get off it at some point! So I took smaller doses yesterday. The night was pretty bad, I was in so much pain, but I just shut my eyes and managed to drift off to sleep.


I've also started making my cards for Christmas! I made time in my day to start them for the first time, which was brilliant! If you would like one, please drop me an email with your address!


I'm now jonesing for a Tramadol - people have warned me that they are addictive, but I never would have thought they'd be this bad... Back's KILLING, feel sick and shaky. I took some Asprin, I really want to get off the Tramadol, but honestly, I feel like death. Getting shooting pains in my back so either it has got no better, or the lack of Tramadol is messing with my head... 

What's behind that smile?

A few weeks ago I was reading the Daily Mail (don't judge me), when I came across this article - Smiling Depression - This totally describes me. In the early stages of my spiral down into depression, you'd never know by looking at me. Outwardly, I'll have a big smile on my face, I'll be making jokes and I'll be the usual social butterfly. Inside however, that black stone will be growing in my chest. That's the best way I can describe it, a black stone. Think of a sphere, dark as granite. I swear that when I'm depressed, I feel heavier (not just because of the comfort eating)... It honestly feels like something physical is weighing me down and everything slows down. 


I have only really just realised the extent of this new cycle of depression. I now realise it has been coming for a long while, but to begin with, not even Nickie knew. I was smiling and hiding/ignoring beginnings of the fall. At that point, I hadn't yet reached the edge of the cliff, the slope was gentle and easy to manage. The stone was a mere grain. I guess that was around September; money was getting tight, I'd been off work for over a month and I still hadn't had a scan. Come October and NYC and I the slope was getting steeper. I was still hiding it well, the pain I felt in New York wasn't just my back ache, but the growing knotted ball of depression characterised by guilt, anxiety and stomach problems.


Returning from New York threw me off the cliff. I came back to emails which threw me majorly off kilter, declined debit/credit cards and Nickie's new job which took her out of the house for 13 hours each day. Add jet lag and I was no longer functioning. Even at this point, I was convincing myself (and Nickie) that this was nothing more than post-holiday blues. By Halloween, I was immersed in full on moderate-to-severe depression (as diagnosed by my doctor). Later that week I began taking mood stabilisers. That was just over a week ago.


Since then my sleep patterns have been erratic to say the least. I am sleeping 1.5 nights out of three and as such I am exhausted most of the time. On the nights I do sleep, it is through sheer exhaustion, following a full night awake. I cry myself to sleep, my brain fogged with memories of bad and/or embarrassing experiences from my past. There's a tiny voice (not literally), which reminds me of that time when I... (insert painful anecdote here). Right now it's almost 4am and I have not slept a wink. Worse still, I have kept Nickie up all night. She has been so amazingly understanding and supportive throughout this, researching the condition, holding me when the tears come, loving me and just plain being there. But I know that this is killing her. I also know that if she could take away black stone in my chest and insert it into her own chest, she would. I feel like it would be better all round if I just went to my Mum's for a while, but I know she'd worry more being unable to see me every day. 


I ache from typing this so I'm going to sign off...


Suggestions and help is most welcome.