Another Year Over

This time last year I was suffering terribly with the flu, I was laid up in bed and I had just been dumped. How different my life is now! In the past twelve months, so much has happened that I feel I must make a record of it. In spite of everything, 2011 has truly been the best year of my life, mostly thanks to one person, but I'm getting ahead of myself now...

Waking up on New Years Day 2011, I had a bad headache which was annoying as I hadn't drank a drop of alcohol at the party the night before. My heart ached as badly as my head and for some reason, I was still missing my ex-girlfriend. I had made no plans for 2011, no resolutions as I find them impossible to keep!

A few weeks into the new year, my wonderful Mum said the words that set me free;
"If you want to move to Manchester, I will look after Austin."

Austin is my gorgeous Collie cross whom I couldn't imagine giving away. He is almost six years old and I've had him since he was 8 weeks old. My Mum had previously (and understandably) refused to take Austin. He was my responsibility and so I had lived with Mum and Dad, sharing walking duties (they have a dog of their own), and the costs of feeding for five years since splitting up with the girl who had given him to me! I remember at the time I couldn't bear the thought of keeping such a permanent reminder  of such a short and disastrous relationship!

I'm not sure what changed my Mum's mind, perhaps after seeing the lengths I was prepared to go to to keep him (moving in with the horrid rat people for a month in 2010), she realised how hard I would find it to say goodbye. Maybe she fell in love with him as I did, watching him grow from a wilful puppy into a mature and handsome protector.

Within a few days, I had arranged several viewings around Manchester, and by the following week, I had chosen the flatshare which would be my home for two months. At the end of January, I said goodbye to my family and Austin and moved into a flat fifteen minutes walk away from work. It was a little crowded and my landlord tended to stay up late, smoking in the living room. I didn't mind much as I smoked myself.

After a month of living there, I performed my first real Gig 'Grrrrl Meets Boi' for the Lesbian Community Project and ran a workshop on being a Drag King. I had a wonderful night hanging out with all my friends and partying in the Village. The day after Grrrrl Meets Boi, I decided to pay for a subscription to Gaydar Girls. I was finally over my ex and I wanted to find somebody. Within a day, I'd met a girl who was a self confessed geek. We started chatting, and then we moved onto emails. I'll brush swiftly over the next bit, as it involves me dating two girls at the same time, but by the end of that week, I met Nickie for the first time and I immediately knew that she was the one. I knew that I would one day marry her. I was terrified to let myself fall in love after what had happened the previous December.

I ended up moving in with Nickie after a month together. That is its own story and if you'd like to read it click here. We settled into life together and it felt as though we'd known each other our whole lives. We spent the next few months enjoying ourselves. We went on holiday to Gran Canaria and partied like nobody's business, I managed to get Nickie out in Drag and she offered to manage my performance career. We met some wonderful new friends and started volunteering for the LCP as a board member. It was around that time that Nickie discovered she was to be made redundant at the end of September.

One Sunday morning in July (in case you've been living in a cave and hadn't heard), I woke up and couldn't get out of bed. My back had completely ceased in its function as the main support of my frame and I was in agony with even the slightest movement. I took a few days off work, went to the hospital and was prescribed painkillers and went back to work. After a week, it became clear I could no longer work in the office. My attempts at altering my workspace and standing at a raised workstation didn't help the pain, the painkillers made me drowsy and sick, and I was crying, unable to concentrate and making silly mistakes. Little did I know that when I left the office that day, I wouldn't return for almost five months. I think if I'd thought that at the time, it would have killed me.

To begin with, I had a little bit of work to keep me going in the shape of a website I was designing for The Happy Theatre Collective. I was still volunteering for the LCP and I was busy most of the time. I was still in agony and could barely move between bed, sofa and bathroom. Nickie made miracles happen on my birthday, planning lunch with my parents, dinner with my best friend Lucy who is amazing and fabulous and her husband Matthew who is also amazing and fabulous (they're four months away from giving me my first niece/nephew), a party at the flat AND an afternoon of board games and food with our other best pals in the world Katie and Emma. 


Pride was an unmitigated disaster, I wasn't able to perform on stage or man the LCP expo stand as I'd planned, and worse still, I slipped in the bathroom at the hotel and made my back worse! 


After Pride, I really thought I'd be back at work, but my back was no better and worse still, I hadn't yet had my MRI scan and so I still had no diagnosis. I was struggling to accept my limitations and Nickie was telling me off a lot for trying to hoover and iron. She had to work for two weeks in Edinburgh and after a lot of consideration and thought, I went up for the weekend, taking the train and taking my tablets as I boarded to ensure a swift descent into sleep for the duration of the journey. We had an amazing time in Edinburgh, even with the ever present shadow of pain, we "did the castle", took a bus tour and saw the sights and took an amazing tour of the Royal Yacht Britannia. During the week, Nickie had a phone interview with a new company and I was so proud when she was offered the job a couple of days later. 


Nickie was made redundant as planned at the end of September and she coped amazingly well. She had been with the company for twelve years and I don't know how I would have felt in the same situation. I finally had my scan and things were starting to look up. Nickie took me on the most amazing holiday to New York. It was the break we both needed. More strong pills and a gin sent me to sleep for the flight. I woke in time to watch the descent into JFK. She'd organised a Limo to our hotel (The Plaza) and we spent the next five days being utter tourists, taking a river cruise around Manhattan Island, seeing my Uncle who lives in New Jersey, shopping, shopping, shopping and shopping, and of course eating! 


Returning to the UK, 27lbs over our weight limit (whoops!) was so hard and after finding out that my scan had shown NOTHING. I slipped into crippling depression. I was still in pain and my finances were not good. Once again, my lovely Mum and Dad stepped in and along with Nickie, supported me through my very own recession. 


Nearly finished now and onto December and the best month of this past year. I finally returned to work and applied for and was offered a fantastic month long secondment. Nickie and I planned for Christmas, preparing for the arrival of my lovely mother in law and her dog. I spent the whole month making Christmas Decorations, Baking and making cards and presents. Nickie, who has settled into her new job marvellously, moved furniture round (whilst I gave instructions) and we went to the Christmas Markets in Manchester. Our love for each other grows every day, and last Sunday on the 18th December, I asked Nickie to marry me and she said YES! I have never been happier, and this alone would have made 2011 a bumper year! But everything, EVERYTHING else that has happened, falling in love, my birthday, new friends, New York, Edinburgh has made this the best year of my life. The good has not only outweighed the bad, but it has totally eclipsed it and I can't keep the smile off my face!


I hope that you are as happy as I am as we move into 2012 and that you smile as much as me! Best wishes and have a very Merry Christmas,


Lots of Love,
Lydia

Christmas Comes But Once A Year...

Or so you'd think! According to every agent I've spoken to at Amazon, there have been problems delivering due to "Christmas. I ordered a gift from them for my beloved on the 3rd December. I am a fully paid up "Prime" member, which means I am guaranteed free next day delivery on many items - including this one and it should have come on the 4th! So I waited. On the 7th it hadn't arrived, so I called Customer Services and they assured me that it was on its way. So I waited. On the 12th, the item still hadn't arrived so I called Customer Services again and they admitted that the item had been lost! They offered to send, what they called a "Free Replacement" - now to me the words free replacement mean that they will give me my money back, and send a new one out, free of charge by way of apology. But to Amazon, this means that they will not charge me for a replacement! Utter Madness. In addition, because of my £50.00 Prime Membership, they could not give me a refund on my delivery costs because next day delivery was free! After much argument, they finally agreed to give me a £5.00 gift voucher (actually the girl said $5.00 as she didn't bother to check what country I was from!) She also gave me an extra month of Prime Membership and assured me that the parcel would be sent by "Expedited Delivery" and would be delivered the following day. Well having waited for so long, I insisted that the parcel had to be delivered after 3pm, when I was home from work. She assured me that was fine. so I waited.

TWO DAYS LATER... The parcel has STILL NOT BEEN DELIVERED! The delivery company had tried to deliver at 10:43am... WHEN I WAS AT WORK...

I called customer services again and requested to speak to a manager. I was told one wasn't available. After making a little bit of noise, as if by magic, a Team Leader was found!

He couldn't guarantee that the parcel would be delivered after 3pm, he couldn't guarantee that it could be redelivered at the weekend, he couldn't even promise that he would call me before I went to work tomorrow...

I'm awaiting an email...

I understand that Christmas is a busy time of year from any company which delivers gifts...

But if you can't deliver, DON'T PROMISE NEXT DAY DELIVERY and more importantly - don't charge people £50.00 for "Prime" for 12 months, if that time doesn't include the month of December...

Moral - I'll go to Waterstones next time!

A blindingly good company...

Today I received my final Graze box. If you don't know what a Graze box is, go to www.graze.com for full details, but I'll give you a basic overview. Graze is a company who believes that grazing throughout the day on nutritionally balanced and tasty treats is often better than snacking on vending machine chocolate and crisps. You sign up online and you can receive as few as 1 box/week or even order them every day! They are £3.49/box, and there are incentives for recommending a friend like free boxes. They can deliver to your home or to the office, and the boxes are small enough to fit through a letter box.


There's no such thing as a typical box as they contain different things every day. You receive four punnets of goodies ranging from flap jacks and cashew nuts, to fruity mixes like the delicious Florentine which contains dark chocolate, cranberries and pumpkin seeds. Each of the punnets is individually sealed and they come in a recyclable cardboard box with a napkin. The snacks are delicious and well balanced. You can even sign up for a super healthy "Nutrition Box" containing only low fat, low GI snacks.


Their customer service is second to none. One week, my box never arrived and I phoned them in a bit of a huff (me? overeact?). They offered me one free box for the lateness and then another a few days later because it didn't turn up at all (it did in the end about two weeks late, all battered from the sorting office!)


The best part about Graze is the personal touch. Each box comes with a little booklet with your name on it (they are so nice that I've kept all of mine!) The booklets tell you exactly what is in your box and gives all the nutritional information. There is a page with some photographs and bits of information about various things such as new recipes and where they source ingredients. You also get four vouchers for free boxes to pass on to friends.



I really love receiving my Graze boxes, but whilst I was off sick, I had to put a hold on my account which came off last week. Last night I went online and realised that a box was on its way. Unfortunately I just can't afford to spend £3.49/week on snacks, however tasty or healthy they are, so I had to cancel my subscription. Today I was feeling really crap and down. Money worries, my back, impending bills we all getting to me. I'd also had no breakfast! But then I remembered my final box was due. When I opened it, I found a snowman, flat packed in the box on top of my snacks. My mood was immediately improved. 


I got a lovely booklet with a winter theme and the snowman. I put him together (I've named him Gary the Graze Snowman) here's a picture of him!

I was kind of overwhelmed to be honest, I know it's silly, but it was just such a lovely treat that it put a huge smile on my face. I sent them an email telling them how much I love the service and about how I have to cancel. I always say praise where praise is due. So imagine my surprise when I received a reply offering me a complimentary box! This is a good company! I know this sounds like one big advert, but like I said before, praise where praise is due. Give it a try and if you do, quote reference DG2FJY83 and you'll get your first box free!

The hardest realisation is that you brought it on yourself

Ew, gross, debt... There was once a time that debt was so massively frowned upon that people had to see the bank manager just to buy a new bed. But then came Credit Cards, Banking Call Centres and Sales People whose job it was to sell you credit, thousands of pounds of it and gullible people like me just dying to buy on the never never...


My current financial situation can be traced back to childhood pocket money. Whatever I received, I wanted to spend there and then. I very rarely saved up for something I wanted. If I didn't have enough money, I'd buy something of lesser value. In fact, I can't think of one think I saved up for when I was a kid. I didn't really know the value of money, but it didn't really matter because I was a little kid.


When I was eighteen, the bank heard I was going to university and started to offer me all these wonderful bits of credit - Student Bank Account, Overdraft, Credit Card, Extension after Extension. At one point, my total debt from credit was around £7000.00 and I was earning £4.10/hour and working 12 hours per week. The whole time I was at university, they never minded and just kept upping my overdraft whenever I needed it. They even gave me a cheque book! Eventually, my Student Loan payments were only taking me up to zero. I have been in the red most of my adult life.


Within six months of leaving university, the bank had begun calling me twice a day asking me to start paying it back. I was only earning around £300.00/month, some of which went to my parents for rent, and so I asked for an arrangement of £100.00/month which they agreed to, for three months after which I would call to discuss it and see how it was going. Brilliant, I thought, £100.00/month was entirely manageable.


Three months later I called up to discuss the arrangement, and silly me, because I'd been paying on time for three whole months, I thought this would be my long term arrangement. No, they insisted that they wanted the full amount paid back over 6 months, around £350.00/month. By this point, I'd found a better job, but was now living away from home, supporting my partner, paying bills and gleaning a tiny amount of social life. My father very kindly offered to take out a loan to cover my debt over five years which I would then pay instalments to him for. 


Two years later, I went back to university to study my teaching degree. Once again my bank (the same one) came calling again. Once again I was offered an overdraft and my credit card limit was increased. I feel sick now, thinking how I squandered that money. Except, well I didn't really. I had a bursary from the University, from which I paid the loan payments, my travel expenses (bus, train and tram - around £90.00/month as an estimate), I paid for my books and materials, lunches in the canteen and the odd dinner. My most extravagant expense was driving lessons. Very extravagant, but the best thing I ever did for myself. 


When I finished university in June 2009, I started looking for jobs straight away. I was lucky to find the one I'm still in today, and I intended to pay off what I owed and get back in the black, but being in full time employment had its perks, catalogue companies were more than willing to offer me credit (I've now got this under control), and Santander gave me a car loan. The bank were still offering to up my overdraft limit - they did it twice more, taking me to -£1200.00, which is the figure I'm at today.


In March 2011, I did something very stupid which seemed sensible at the time. I blame myself, but I feel I should also give the bank some credit. They offered me a loan to clear all of my debts. I wish I'd never taken it. I could have paid the amount I'm paying now to my credit card, and it would probably be nearly paid off. I think that when you sign up for a loan (and by sign up, I mean when you are sold a loan by the bank which you no longer have to physically sign anything for), it should be with certain conditions, like - "if we give you this loan, the credit card company will no longer offer you credit", or "if we give you this loan, we will automatically close your overdraft". A few months after I took out the loan, the credit card company offered me an increase in my limit. They tell you to call if you don't want it. Stupid stupid stupid me. 


But the never never has just caught up with me. I'm not sure what prompted me to do it, but tonight I calculated everything I owe, and it's not pretty. I won't write down the figure, I'm far too embarrassed, but put it this way, if I'd saved that much I'd have a decent deposit for a house. I felt pretty sick, and my girlfriend just happened to take a photograph at the moment I realised and post it on Facebook. So, for the foreseeable future, in fact for the next couple of years I won't be much fun. But if I ever want to be out of debt, I will have to stop having a life... 

What a difference a year makes...

As Nickie and I were wandering hand in hand through the hustle and bustle of the Manchester Christmas markets, I was suddenly visited by a ghost of girlfriend past... It was almost exactly a year ago, after a too spicy Indian meal at East z East on Blackfriars, that my recent ex-girlfriend decided that I was worth keeping around on the understanding that we wouldn't call each other girlfriend or partner, we wouldn't have sex, in fact, we wouldn't even hold hands until she was ready. We'd just had a screaming argument outside the bank on King Street and I'd stormed off in tears. Looking back, I can't quite believe I fell for it. She was just out of a six year relationship and was merely looking for an anchor. Within two weeks it was over again, for good this time, because I just couldn't keep up the pretence of friendship, particularly as she kept kissing me. I wept like Bella after Edward left. I'd given her a beautiful and expensive hand made notebook for Christmas. She gave me the flu, and I was laid up in bed until New Year. As we rang in 2011, I felt beyond hopeless. Driving my friend home after the party, I had to pass my ex-girlfriend's street and once I'd dropped my friend off, I cried all the way back to Bolton. I couldn't picture myself happy or in love. Within three months, I'd met Nickie and eight months on, I'm readying myself for my first ever Christmas with a girlfriend! My life has never been so full of joy and I never thought I'd get to this place. Every morning, I get to wake up in the bed I share with the most beautiful girl in the world. I walk through the flat we live in together, safe in the knowledge that she will return to our home. It is the best part of my day, knowing that she still loves me. So, despite everything, the bad back, the depression, the finances... 2011 has most definitely been better than 2010. I'd say it was the most wonderful year of my life, but you know what they say... The best is yet to come!

The word on the Street

I've seen the doctor today, the good one who tells it how it is... It is going to be January before I actually start my physio because of the waiting list :-( but at least I know. He's given me some exercises to do at home which I will start tomorrow (because I need to clean today) so hopefully I will be back at work by the end of this month fingers crossed. Even if I have to start on reduced hours, it's better than sitting here at home doing nothing! My back's still killing me and I'm exhausted all the time, add to that the depression, and I really really do need to get back to work!


Watch this space, and I'll let you know how I'm doing as and when!

Eternal Darkness of the Depressed Mind...

I'm not feeling especially dark today. I'm having a long awaited visitor tonight and I'm ploughing through the cleaning quite well. In addition, I'm making my favourite Jewish Penicillin (Chicken Soup), and there's enough Pumpkin Pie to go around from last night!


I just wanted to give you an insight into my brain. If you make a suggestion to me, my brain goes into overdrive and although you might not notice, there's a millisecond of fear on my face as I immediately think of the worst possible outcome. Here are just a few of my insane and unpleasant imaginings. Please be aware that these are products of my dark mind, and I'm ok right now - you don't need to worry about me right now. Although these are thoughts I've had, and they are especially dark, remember it's also quite funny that these are the thoughts my mind immediately jumps to...


1) When walking home from the shops with an especially heavy load and no pull along trolley...
Me - "Hmm, maybe I'll ask that kind gentleman if he'll carry my shopping home..."
Brain - "If you ask him, and he says yes, he might then force himself into the flat and attack you, possibly rape you and then the police won't be able to prosecute because you invited him in..."


2) Upon witnessing drug dealing while walking to the shops...
Me - "I ought to call the police immediately to give them the best chance of catching these sleaze bags..."
Brain - "If you call the police and they get caught, they will have seen you on the phone, know it's you who shopped them, and make you the victim of a campaign of misery, concluding with your death..."

3) When my parents' phone goes to voicemail...

Me - "Hmmm, they must be busy, I'll call later..."

Brain - "What if there's been an accident, they could be injured, Dad could have had a heart attack, a family member could have died... Call back, as many times as you can until they pick up, phone Mum at work, phone your brother... Don't be so selfish..."

4) When a payment is returned by the bank...

Me - "I'll phone my creditor and I'm sure they will understand..."

Brain - "If this payment has failed, the next one definitely will, and I'll be bankrupt by Christmas"

(This one actually occurred last week when I went to visit the CAB and they actually said "I'll start with the worst possible scenario and work backwards..." - I had moments earlier told him that I'd just had a diagnosis of depression...)

5) Whilst watching fireworks...

Nickie - "Oh look, a Chinese Lantern floating over us..."

Brain - "The candle inside could fall out and scalding wax could drip onto my face..."

(Unfortuately, I said this one aloud!)

I'm going to continue adding to this in the hope that eventually my brain will realise it's being ridiculous!

Stationary Porn

I don't know what happened to me as a kid, but now, at the age of 27 stationary fills me with the sort of eager excitement of a virgin at her High School Prom! It's almost an addiction! Sharpies, Steadler Pencils, Note Pads... 


My writing is now almost exclusively done on my laptop, so my Stationary Porn has migrated... upped its game... now I'm into the hard stuff - Craft equipment! Coloured card, Glue Dots... they all get me a little bit hot under the cover! Unfortunately due to my current confinement, the financial situation is pretty bad, and so I'm reduced to pound shop fake Sharpies and cheap Silver and Gold pens! 


I can remember the taste of the pencils as I chewed them, deep in thought over a math question or creative writing story. I can remember the satisfaction of sharpening a pencil or even better, a coloured pencil, using the mechanical sharpener on Miss Burton's desk. She was my favourite teacher and I loved her. I was seven and she was always so encouraging, even when my puppet "Dolly Daydreamer"came out looking more like Fungus the Bogeyman... I do believe it was right there in her Top Infants class (now known as Year 2), that my addiction began!


I'm thoroughly enjoying getting lost in stationary though, even the cheap stuff! The cards are coming thick and fast, and I'm well on the way to a well planned and stress free Christmas!

Awakening

I have slept for two nights in a row. I seem to be getting used to the dry mouth and I'm finding myself more able to smile. I'm eating regularly (unfortunately putting on a bit of weight - diet after Christmas!) and yesterday I picked myself up, shook myself off and dressed myself in drag... I'm very very slowly coming back to me. Maybe by Christmas I'll be my old jolly self. I'm in a bit of pain today, I'm trying to reduce my Tramadol as a) it's hugely addictive and b) I've got to get off it at some point! So I took smaller doses yesterday. The night was pretty bad, I was in so much pain, but I just shut my eyes and managed to drift off to sleep.


I've also started making my cards for Christmas! I made time in my day to start them for the first time, which was brilliant! If you would like one, please drop me an email with your address!


I'm now jonesing for a Tramadol - people have warned me that they are addictive, but I never would have thought they'd be this bad... Back's KILLING, feel sick and shaky. I took some Asprin, I really want to get off the Tramadol, but honestly, I feel like death. Getting shooting pains in my back so either it has got no better, or the lack of Tramadol is messing with my head... 

What's behind that smile?

A few weeks ago I was reading the Daily Mail (don't judge me), when I came across this article - Smiling Depression - This totally describes me. In the early stages of my spiral down into depression, you'd never know by looking at me. Outwardly, I'll have a big smile on my face, I'll be making jokes and I'll be the usual social butterfly. Inside however, that black stone will be growing in my chest. That's the best way I can describe it, a black stone. Think of a sphere, dark as granite. I swear that when I'm depressed, I feel heavier (not just because of the comfort eating)... It honestly feels like something physical is weighing me down and everything slows down. 


I have only really just realised the extent of this new cycle of depression. I now realise it has been coming for a long while, but to begin with, not even Nickie knew. I was smiling and hiding/ignoring beginnings of the fall. At that point, I hadn't yet reached the edge of the cliff, the slope was gentle and easy to manage. The stone was a mere grain. I guess that was around September; money was getting tight, I'd been off work for over a month and I still hadn't had a scan. Come October and NYC and I the slope was getting steeper. I was still hiding it well, the pain I felt in New York wasn't just my back ache, but the growing knotted ball of depression characterised by guilt, anxiety and stomach problems.


Returning from New York threw me off the cliff. I came back to emails which threw me majorly off kilter, declined debit/credit cards and Nickie's new job which took her out of the house for 13 hours each day. Add jet lag and I was no longer functioning. Even at this point, I was convincing myself (and Nickie) that this was nothing more than post-holiday blues. By Halloween, I was immersed in full on moderate-to-severe depression (as diagnosed by my doctor). Later that week I began taking mood stabilisers. That was just over a week ago.


Since then my sleep patterns have been erratic to say the least. I am sleeping 1.5 nights out of three and as such I am exhausted most of the time. On the nights I do sleep, it is through sheer exhaustion, following a full night awake. I cry myself to sleep, my brain fogged with memories of bad and/or embarrassing experiences from my past. There's a tiny voice (not literally), which reminds me of that time when I... (insert painful anecdote here). Right now it's almost 4am and I have not slept a wink. Worse still, I have kept Nickie up all night. She has been so amazingly understanding and supportive throughout this, researching the condition, holding me when the tears come, loving me and just plain being there. But I know that this is killing her. I also know that if she could take away black stone in my chest and insert it into her own chest, she would. I feel like it would be better all round if I just went to my Mum's for a while, but I know she'd worry more being unable to see me every day. 


I ache from typing this so I'm going to sign off...


Suggestions and help is most welcome.

Return to the Cuckoo's Nest

I'm rapidly going out of my mind. I thought I'd hidden myself really well from my Mental Health demons. They found me in bed on Saturday and wouldn't let me go to sleep. I covered well, even managing to convince myself that I was staying awake to care for my beloved. The demons have set up residence now. They are engaged in an "Occupy Lydia's Soul" protest. They have placards that say "You're not good enough" "We are the 99% that believes Lydia is worthless". They have also stolen all of my spoons. I'm back in that dark place now...


Night Vision


Someone switched the lights off, I rely on my Night Vision
I only wish I'd eaten more carrots.


Someone switched the lights off, every time I pass a mirror, I see a shadow of my former self
I barely recognise me.


Because it was dark, I fell down a well, it's even darker and full of monsters
They are taunting me.


The walls are rough and spiked with glass and nails like The Trunchbull's Chokey...
I wish I was still a child reading Matilda.


My voice echoes back to me, I'm in too deep to be rescued
It is so dark, even the good things in silhouette cast scary shadows. 


I can't get out.
I can't see a light.
My heart is breaking.
I can't breathe.


Someone switched the lights off, my Night Vision's failing
There aren't enough carrots in the world

X-Factor

I felt compelled to pen a response to tonight's X-Factor. 


The behaviour of Tulisa tonight on X-Factor, when she almost reduced a young contestant to tears was disgusting and should not be tolerated. I found it absolutely outrageous that Tulisa in particular had the candour to call Misha B out for bitching behind the scenes. Regardless of what was said to one of her acts, NOBODY deserves to be shouted down, live on stage, in front of MILLIONS of people. It was nothing short of bullying, and really makes me question why she is a "mentor". My heart really went out to Misha and I hope that she knows she won't lose my vote. 


Speaking of bitching, bullying and general nastiness, the aforementioned judge was engaged in her own very public war of words less than a year ago with a dancer. Isn't it a little hypocritical for her to tell Misha not to say nasty things to her poor little groups when she was quoted in The Sun as Tweeting the following;


"WTF do u do? Other then open ur legs? Ur nothin 2 me, I don't speak about u, I don't think about u, u don't even exist! Get on with ur life, ur obsession is unhealthy and ur just makin things worse 4 urself, take a leaf out of my book, love live life B****." 


Other than the over 25s, the majority of finalists have not yet left their teens. Janet Devlin is 16 and Misha is 19. They are kids! They should be protected. But instead we have an 18 year old Frankie Cocozza applauded for sleeping around, acting uninterested in this opportunity of a lifetime, and this week "swaggering" onto the stage half way through his song following a full week of nights out. Gary said "He's a teenager!" No excuse. And then back to Misha. Yes, maybe she takes her enthusiasm and passion off stage. Maybe she even antagonises the other acts. Perhaps she does this to spook her competition - I don't know and that's the point, nobody knows. I've yet to see evidence or video of this altercation, and frankly, I'm not interested in seeing it anyway. Because here's the dirty little secret. Every artist, performer, musician with any passion (even some without) has slagged off a rival, has had something taken out of context and published which shows them in a less than favourable light, or has had a private moment broadcast for all the world to see. So, what now? If a head teacher singled out one student and made that comment in front of a hall of kids in assembly, I can guarantee that they would be swiftly suspended and investigated, and rightly so! So come on OFCOM, ITV or Executive Directors of X Factor - reprimands for Tulisa. 


It's a shame too, I was really beginning to like her.

A Proud Mancunian

A little bit more positive, my pal Emma Garside, currently residing in Gorse Hill, Manchester - the proudest mancunian you'll ever meet penned this poem which just about says it all and has very kindly let me post it...


I am Manchester by Emma Garside

I am Manchester,

I am the friendliest people on earth,

I am red and blue,

I am afflecks and corn exchange memories of old,

I am the triangle and printworks of new,

I am the Arndale shops and market,

I am piccadilly gardens,

I am the northern quarter,

I am still going strong no matter what you throw at me,

I am manchester full of pride,

I am manchester gay straight and bi,

I am the mancs coming together,

I am cleaning up the riots no matter the weather.

I am manchester through and through.

Manchester i'm so proud of you!

Out of the fear comes greatness... Please share this!

PAIN...

I'm afraid this is rather a negative one... I've had a really bad day.


I returned to work on Tuesday... 


It was a necessity...


I was about to go onto SSP (Statuatory Sick Pay) which is £81.60/week ($132.00, €93)...


This isn't a bad rate for somebody who isn't physically working, and a darn sight more than employment and support allowance (a sickness benefit which replaced Incapacity Benefit), but I cannot physically live on that. This is not because I have become accustomed to living to certain standards, but because I live to a budget for my outgoings and if I drop £500.00+ per month I will be verging on bankruptcy...


So I have returned to work...


And I am in agony.


My employers who I will not name have been very helpful in terms of my return to work. They have furnished me with a raised desk and a stool so I can alternate between standing and sitting... But as it turns out, they both hurt...


I cried today - luckily my new desk faces the wall so nobody knew... 


I took two doses of the Tramadol/Diclofenac/Cyclozine mix which has been up til now taking the edge off the pain, plus two Paracetamol tablets between my two doses of opiates... They didn't touch it. I spent the day feeling like I was being battered with big sticks across my spine. The pain is constant, then come spasms in bursts which take my breath away. I'm trying to keep my owie noises under wraps and desperately trying not to be a whiner at work - when someone asks if I'm ok, through gritted teeth I say "Yes".


What am I supposed to do?


I just have to grin and bear it... 






I finished at 4pm

Fuck... I'm still horizontal!

A few days on from my last entry, and I am still on the sofa, horizontal and feeling not too pretty! Yesterday was productive. I showered, changed my pyjamas and updated the website which has needed doing for a few days.

Today too has been mildly productive, I walked to the Post Office and bought myself a few magazines, emailed my Aunt about my birthday and now I'm watching Victorian Farm on Yesterday (which should be renamed "The Nazi's Were Bad - We Get It"), whilst writing another entry.

In brief, I went to A&E (that's ER to any of my American readers!) and Jimi, the lovely nigerian doctor prescribed me Diazepam and Diclofenac. I had intended to continue from my previous entry with a hilarious account of the visit, but I've just felt too poorly unfortunately - what I will say is that there's nothing funnier than hearing a doctor in the next cubicle saying "Hello, my name's Gary", in a thick Oriental accent followed by your partner whispering immediately "sure it is" in response. Laughed heartily and had to sit down again!

Following my trip to A&E last Tuesday, I ended up there again on Monday of this week after collapsing on the floor on Sunday, rather upsettingly, as I had honestly thought I'd be back at work the following day. After a terrible night's sleep and a few tears and my last Diazepam, I called NHS Direct who suggested calling an ambulance! Well, not one to waste resources (even if I am paying for them through the PAYE system) and delirious with pain, I stayed in bed thinking - "Well, it's not an emergency!" Very luckily for me, a very good friend in the shape of Pixie Truffle offered me a lift to the hospital and Nickie turned up just as we were leaving so I had my own personal entourage when I returned to A&E.

Sadly, I wasn't treated by the attractive female doctor who I kept straining my neck to see everytime she walked past (Nickie knows about this and we had quite a giggle about it). The very nice doctor who was assigned to me did the same batch of tests as lovely Jimi had the previous week, and one more which I will not go into detail about, but was designed to check whether I had damaged my Coccyx (I hadn't). The pain by this point was worse than it was the previous week and it would seem that I had jarred it when I fell on the floor. The doctor advised that he wasn't concerned enough to keep me in (a relief), but he could see that I was in a significant amount of pain and so prescribed me some stronger painkillers. He asked me about Codeine, but me and that particular drug have a chequered past - we don't get on. It affects my digestive transit shall we say (TMI?) So instead, he prescribed me Tramadol, a fairly strong Opiate which has finally stopped the pain in its tracks but comes with a bunch of really pleasant side effects like extreme nausea, dizziness, clumsiness and what can only be described as the appearance of being stoned! My doctor has prescribed Cyclizine to deal with the nausea, but can't really do much due to the dizziness. Honestly, the walk to the shops was a triumph!

I'm bored as hell, and very lonesome and tomorrow, instead of being at work or at Oldham Pride, I'll be right here, on the sofa, watching repeats on the TV and wishing I could get ahold of a box set of Prisoner to pass the time. Until I do, it's Gilmore Girls, Desperate Housewives and Being Erica on E4... and Learn From My Fail blog and Facebook Online. Please send me Facebook Messages, entertain me with videos... ANYTHING as I'm climbing the walls!

In other news I found an app which tells me when to take each of my tablets which is useful and will help me avoid the inevitable overdose which comes from Tramadol induced forgetfulness!

Signing Off xx

Fuck... The Ceiling's Gone All Swirly!

Inspired by my old pal with whom I've recently been reacquainted, what follows is my analgesic review... Firstly, in the words of "Scrubs", my favourite hospital based comedy, "it's pronounced an-algesic, not anal-gesic, the pills go in your mouth"... You can generally distinguish between oral medication and suppositories because of the size of the pills, generally, if they are bigger than 2 joints of your little finger, they ain't for swallowing! :-)

My first medication, self-prescribed, was paramol (not to be confused with the awesome post-millennial, Tennessee rock band Paramore although probably equally hard to swallow!) these contain paracetamol and dihydrocodeine and tend to make you feel a little floopy... The did not get rid of the pain, however they did stop me giving a fuck about the pain so something of a result!

The next day I forgot to take them to work and could only get paracetamol before my 8am shift started which was as effective as covering to area in dripping and chanting! Thus began my three pronged attack. Back at Boots, I asked for something strong with which I could take paracetamol... The gave me ibrupofen with dihydrocodeine! Once again the pain remained but I was so "hopped up on goofballs" that I couldn't do my work, and that coupled with the pain sent me home.

At this point I believed my back pain to be nothing more than the residuals from an old hockey injury (wow, never sounded gayer, or more middle-class!!) so I bought myself a heat pack and some mags and went home to rest up vowing that a few back exercises would have me back in work the next day!

The next day following badly thought out back stretches designed for sprains and pulls, my back was in agony so I took myself down to the walk in centre in Manchester. After a brief wait I saw a nurse who basically said I was doing all the right things (how wrong she was).

I spent the rest of the afternoon hobbling between bed, bathroom and sofa and drinking lots of coffee with the pain getting increasingly sharp and stabby and beginning to radiate down my legs with tingling in my toes. A quick look online showed that anything from nerve damage to a slipped bloody disc could be causing the pain and as Nickie wasn't around to be the voice of reason, I began to panic!

Tbc

Why You Should Volunteer

Yawn… Today is a long day, I’m not really feeling the late shift. Late isn’t all that late here, just 11:00-19:00, but it’s enough. Once I’m home and fed, it’s 9 and I’m wondering what has happened to my homelife with my missus.  Maybe I should use this whole “right to a private family life” defence to get rid of my late shifts, I mean, no, I have no children, but I do have a family. I am disgustingly happy at the moment, positively gleeful over my current situation, even if it is slowly killing me!


I work 37 hours per week for an unnamed supermarket, in their offices, not on the shop floor. I don’t say that because there’s anything wrong with working on the shop floor. I only mention it because the work I do is fairly far removed from your everyday till girl. It’s all computer based which makes my eyes square, and my arse massive. I don’t mind my job, it pays my bills, very well.


Outside my ordinary job, I work three voluntary roles. I always thought volunteering meant shaking a bucket, “chugging” or going door to door, but in the past three years I’ve discovered that you can use volunteering to better your CV, gain experience and have tonnes of fun.


1)     I have a weekly radio show on a community station called “Gaydio”. It is the first of its kind, dedicated to the Gay community in Manchester and also around the world. We get listeners from as far afield as Gran Canaria and America. My show is the MOBO show (The Groove) on Tuesdays, 9PM -11PM GMT and can be heard outside Manchester online at www.gaydio.co.uk. Although it is the Music of Black Origin show, that really just relates to the music and my chat can be about anything – usually stuff I read in the paper that amuses me.


2)     I’m an adhoc volunteer for Manchester Pride, the UK’s biggest LGBT festival (more info at www.manchesterpride.com) I would love to volunteer regularly and work in the office, but due to my main job, this is impossible so instead I organise events and promote Manchester Pride through my online community and on my radio show. Last year I led the Pride Parade through Manchester as my Drag King alter ego, and came 2nd in the HRH Drag King competition, and this year, I am organising the competition and helping to host. I’m also performing on the community stage on Saturday 27th August at 10pm. I’m going to be incredibly busy, but it should be a great weekend, as always. A few other bits about Pride this year, if you didn’t already know, it is Manchester Pride’s 21st birthday, and in honour of this historic birthday, the Lowry in conjunction with Manchester Pride has an exhibition with memorabilia, photos and videos from the past 21 years as well as event information for 2011. I’m a real nostalgic type and so I got a real thrill from watching the “It’s a Knockout” video from 1991 and from all the flyers, programmes and posters they have in the glass cases. On that note, if you have any memorabilia you’d like to donate, contact Lance at info@manchesterpride.com, or the Lowry.


3)     My most recent venture is a position on the board of the Lesbian Community Project in Manchester. We are the only full time organisation for Lesbian, Bisexual, Trans-Women and Trans-Men in the UK. We have been running for 15 years, and I’m trying desperately to catch up with all that history. Until I worked with the LCP for a fantastic event back in February (Grrrl Meets Boi), I’ll admit, I’d never really used the LCP, mostly because I was living outside Manchester, but it has been a terrific resource since I moved first to Salford, then to Cheetham Hill. Apart from excellent events and fundraisers, the LCP offers support and help to anyone calling, emailing or dropping in. Tonight is SOFA (Support or Fun Activities) and we’re planning new groups all the time.  The new board which met for the first time in May has wasted no time in planning for the coming financial year, and we intend to make the LCP great again, as well as recruiting as many new members as we can! (for more info or to receive an LCP Newsletter by email contact enquiries@lesbiancommunityproject.co.uk) This my newest voluntary role has already led me to a Slutwalk (http://menmedia.co.uk/manchestereveningnews/news/s/1423405_hundreds-join-slut-walk-protest-through-manchester - That’s me in the pink scarf!) and to a rather special club which shall remain nameless! ;-)


In short, I love my life, I’m doing activities which are efficacious  to the community. I have the perfect girlfriend and a lovely home life and to top it all off, I’m packing my CV with experience which will help me move onto the next step! Volunteering doesn’t need to be a drag, it doesn’t need to take up all of your time  and it doesn’t necessarily have to be a hard slog. For example… why not volunteer at Manchester Pride this summer? It’s fun and you get to see some fab performers, plus there’s a wicked free Volunteer’s party at the end. Contact info@manchesterpride.com or go to the website for more information!

MiPhone

Woohoo!! I am blogging from my new iPhone I am massively excited! It's been a really long week and I'm knackered, finally finished the LCP (Lesbian Community Project) newsletter. Epic fail today as I accidentally PDF'd the wrong file and sent it to the printer...


Luckily a guy from work with a PDF converter did the right one for me and the proof will be ready tomorrow! Phew. Full run should be ready Friday!


But for now, Angry Boys on BBC3 and bed. By the way, how annoying is it when the diarrhoea ad comes on when your eating tea?!? :-)

Returning...

There's nothing that makes me feel less British than queuing in my own country to prove my identity... Spain was fine, a quick glance at the passport and we were through... On return we were treated to 45 minutes in a queue (whilst the non-EU desk was empty!) and Border Control officers nearing the end of a TWELVE hour shift. How easy to make a mistake through the haze of sleep deprivation? They're meant to be on the ball but the person at our desk looked exhausted!


Tears and more tears in the past 48 hours! We arrived back in "sunny" Blighty this morning at 4am... It's currently chucking it down and all I want to do is get back out to Gran Canaria! The weather, the atmosphere, the service in restaurants and bars and of course the entertainment made it the best week of my life. It must also be said that without the following people, Maspalomas would not have been half as good...


My gorgeous Nickie, organiser, burns specialist and Cockroach Killer extraordinaire...
Valentino King and Mike Stand (AKA Gizell Timpani and Suzanne Coleman), the best pals a girl could ask for...
Robin Karrs and Magenta Jewell (AKA Diane Rawson, aka Lady Di and Jenny Croston) Entertainers, hosts and ABSOLUTE LEGENDS...
Flirty Bertie (AKA Lisa Lindsey) Brother and Friend
Sam Dangleham (AKA Kerry Newbury) a gent with southern ways...


We partied in Sparkles Showbar all week, and it's made me question what we're prepared to put up with in the UK. Nowhere can you get free table service, nowhere can you get staff who will remember your face after a year, and remember your drink night after night (every member of staff who served us after the second night knew what we were drinking!) Nowhere in the UK can you pay the equivalent of £6.00 for a drink and feel you are not being ripped off (the shorts are at least a treble, they just pour for 7 seconds - oh and that's 6 Euros for branded drinks like Havana).

ANDI MARTINE, CHANELLE FONTAINE

AND MICHAEL MAROULI PERFORM

IN SPARKLES SHOWBAR

We also went to a fabulous pool party hosted by Ricky's Cabaret Bar at the Walkirias Hotel right next to the Yumbo where the entertainment was fabulous and the drinks were plentiful (and pretty cheap!)

THE BLUE DRAG COMEDY GALA

I'll sign off for now... Too tired to make any more sentences and in need of a KFC fix - roll on October when we're definitely going back!

Gran Canaria 2

Very quick one today - internet costs a Euro for 15 mins! Shocking... Yesterday was lovely, went to Maspalomas Beach and sat watching the ocean and reading. Very peaceful! The sun is very strong, and Nickie is quite burned all over her back and legs - whoops, so she´ll be staying out of the sun for today!

Last night we finally met up with Flirty Bertie, Valentino King, Suzy, Diane and Jenny for a brilliant night out in Sparkles Showbar, and we all had a wonderful time, got the VIP treatment as I was there with Valentino and we were treated to great hospitality. The show was fantastic with Tammy Pax, Thunderpussy and of course, our very own Valentino King who was AMAZING! Can´t wait til Friday when she´s on again!

I spent this morning trying not to wake Nickie as we didn´t get in til gone 3, but I was awake at 9, so had a bit of a read and then when Nickie woke up, we planned my set for Manchester Pride.

I´m making contacts all over the place, and who knows, it might be me up on the stage this time next year... Watch This Space.

See you soon and keep checking the blog for updates xxxxx

Greetings from Gran Canaria

Hello All,

We arrived in GC on Saturday to our hotel VistaOasis in the pitch black at around 12:30am and it wasn´t until the morning that we realised our view over the dunes was absolutely spectacular!

Yesterday we woke up to find that we were not overlooked, we couldn´t see any other rooms and had uninterrupted views out to sea. We took a stroll to the local Supermercado and bought a few essentials, then sunbathed  - tanning our white bits as there was nobody to see!

Later, we walked into Maspalomas, which was a leisurely 50 minutes (with rather a big hill!) and met up with Sarah Bland to watch the football - needless to say, Nickie was devastated as United beat Chelsea. I drank two LARGE vodka and Cokes (they were definitely trebles) and then we then went into the Yumbo, which is as fantastic as everybody has said and went down to an all you can eat Chinese buffet (I know, why not tapas?) This is where it gets amazing... A while ago, I wrote about Manchester Pride for their blog and talked about my pals, Stacey and Becky who I always run into... I haven´t seen them since last August... and there they were, standing next to me in the buffet (cue screaming like queens). We joined them for dinner, I smoke many fags (got to make the most of smoking indoors!) and then who else should turn up but FLIRTY BERTIE! Amazing!

Today we´re going to go down to Maspalomas beach for a spot of sunbathing and reading - I´ve got the Kindle and I´m reading Patricia Cornwell´s first Scarpetta book. Excellent.

We had a spot of bother yesterday evening with a rather large cockroach... I screamed and hid in bed whilst Nickie disposed of it. I was terrified, it´s my only phobia. :-(

The room is basic, but lovely, very cool and clean and we have stove, full size fridge and a Massive safe. Going to go down to the pool later after we come back from the beach, then meeting all the girls for dinner tonight (and watching Valentino in action at Sparkles!)

Much Love,
Lydia



By this

Recent Happenings

Just thought I'd give you a little catch up, following a text from my bestest best pal Lucy who is amazing and fabulous - That's her given name!

You may be asking yourself, where have you been for all this time?

Well, I've been all over the place really, although the main reason I've not written is because of a really shitty thing that happened in March, a friend of mine miscarried her first child - it's not my story to tell but it shook me up and I was very upset and got completely blocked, and as soon as I started writing, I basically clammed up! 

I'm alright now, and my friend is getting there, and if she's reading it, I hope she knows she's got a LOT of support right now.

In addition to that horrid thing, I also moved again, which is a story in itself. My landlord needed his room back, and so I managed to find somewhere else to live immediately. As soon as he'd given me my notice, the little tiny things that had irritated me about living in the flat like the smoky environment and the ever-full washing up bowl became THE MOST ANNOYING THINGS IN THE WORLD! I told him I was going to leave at the end of March rather than April, and he said that if I did that, I would not get my deposit back!

A dilemma! If I lost my deposit and had to pay my first month's rent, I'd be out £300.00! This was no good!

In an extremely fortunate stroke of luck, the best thing happened to me. I met my wonderful girlfriend Nickie, who will not mind me mentioning her! From the day we met, we clicked completely and I fell in love at a terrifying speed. She offered me a bed, rent free for a month and after immediate protestation, a few days of thought and some wrangling on her behalf, I agreed that it would be a reasonable solution! Terrified, I moved half my stuff into Nickie's flat in Cheetham Hill, told my folks I was living with "a friend" and put the rest of my belongings in my soon to be new house in Blakely. Well, things don't always work out the way you think they will do they?

Within weeks of staying with Nickie, I realised something. I didn't want to leave - we worked so well together and I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. As it happened, Nickie was thinking the same thing, and so, after some more deep thought and consideration, we decided that we didn't want to live apart. She invited me to live with her permanently and after a fairly awkward conversation with my mother along the lines of "Do you know that friend I was staying with? Well, she's my girlfriend and I'm not moving out!", I spoke to my new landlady who was amazing and said that she'd assumed that this might happen!

Meeting Nickie changed my life! She has made me reassess everything and has made me less selfish, more open and incredibly happy. I still struggle to say no and take on too much, but I'm doing better than ever! Nickie has made me realise that actually I do deserve the good things that happen to me and I do deserve to be actually happy for once!

In other news, I've been kinging it up like nobody's business! Take a look at my website for more information www.thedragking.co.uk but in a nutshell, I'm putting an act together and going back to my first love. Performance! I am at last using the £12,000 degree that I spent three years doing!

I'm also making big waves in Manchester's LGBT community (that's Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans for the uninitiated!) I was elected as a trustee onto the board of the Lesbian Community Project (www.lesbiancommunityproject.co.uk), I'm still presenting my popular weekly radio show on Gaydio (www.gaydio.co.uk), and I'm going to be performing at this year's Manchester Pride, so things are going from strength to strength.

Musings of a Not Very Cool Gay...

It’s time I came out… Not as gay, I’ll have been out and proud for ten years in October (I’m throwing myself a party!) No, I’m coming out as a NVCG…

I prefer pubbing, to clubbing and I can’t stand pretention,

Thank God for Manchester Pride, It’s good for relieving my tension,

I haven’t had that many “encounters” at Manchester Pride,

If I’ve ever said that it’s more than a few, well I’m sorry but I lied,

You’ll find me at Climax looking mildly out of place,

because I haven’t got the right hair, and certainly not the right face.

My haunt is actually the Women’s Stage with Heather Peace and Horse,

I like to watch the drag kings and Clare Mooney of course.

I find I’m surrounded by couples, often young and very cool,

but I’m a bit of a geek and I can’t even play pool.  

But Manchester Pride is welcoming of cool and geek alike,

whether you drive a BMW or ride a Chopper Bike.

Whether your tee-shirt says “Bench” or “Property of Manchester Met”,

you’re guaranteed a weekend, you will not soon forget.

You can party in the New Union, (I’m back at the hotel by twelve.)

Girls never want to leave so early, they’ll stay and dance by themselves.

My very first Pride in 2003 I was insecure about myself.

I was only nineteen years old but I felt I’d been left on the shelf.

I tried to act all cool, but I didn’t have designer sunspecs

I always wore the wrong shoes, no wonder I never got any sex,

We drank in Sackville Gardens, but something was amiss.

I got so drunk and merry that I couldn’t even score a kiss.

My second Pride was interesting, with one embarrassing hiccup.

My best friend is sworn to secrecy about this particular pick up.

Skip forward a few years to 2010, I vowed to just be me.

I embraced my random geekdom for everyone to see.

I still had no designer clothes, I didn’t get my hair done,

I spent the weekend dressed as a man and I had fantastic fun.

Another Big Weekend, is just a few months away

And remember, even if you’re a Not Very Cool Gay

You can dance til you drop, having fun’s no crime,

We’ll all get together for another gay old time